Rachel and Phoebe hit a bar to socialize and meet two guys.
12 Scenes307 Lines
Scene 1
Chandler's office in Tulsa.'' His assistant is showing him photographs.
23 lines
Jo Lynn
This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
Chandler
Yep.' That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.' Single are ya?
(Phone rings.' Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)
Chandler
Chandler Bing.
Joey
Hey.' How come you're answering your own phone?' Where's your crazy assistant?
(She frowns.' Chandler picks up the hand set.)
Chandler
What's up Joe?
Joey
Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?
Chandler
Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?
Joey
No, no, no.' When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . .' courtside!
Chandler
Courtside?' Oh my God.
Joey
Yeah.' Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
Chandler
That's so cool.' I'll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)
Monica
Hello?
Chandler
Joey just called.' He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Monica
Really?' But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant.' If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week.
Chandler
But hey, it's courtside.' The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause)' That's not the way to convince you.
Monica
Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.' You have to spend time with me."' So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .
Chandler
I know.' You're right.' I want to see you too.' I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?' He's really looking forward to this.
Monica
Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.' Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.' Tell him that what little time we have is precious.
Chandler
Yeah, ah, ah . . .' I'll think of something.
[ OPENING CREDITS ]
Scene 2
Ross and Rachel's apartment.' Ross is in the living room covering Emma.' Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress.
Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Ross
Well, well, they're good.' It's been a while since I've seen you like this.' You, you clean up good.
Rachel
Oh well, well thank you.' (She laughs.' He stares for a moment.)' Okay, stop.' Stop looking at me like that.' The last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened.' (points to Emma.)
Ross
Oh right, right.' (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.)' So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?
Rachel
Yeah, yeah.' Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun.' And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Ross
Oh, it's fine.' Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
Rachel
Phoebe's Mike?
Ross
Yeah.
Rachel
I didn't know you guys hung out.
Ross
We don't.' But I thought it would be nice to get to know him.' You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel
Oh that's so cute:' Ross and Mike's first date.' Is that going to be awkward?' I mean, what are you guys going to talk about?
Ross
I don't know.' But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know.' He plays piano; I played keyboards in college.' He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods.' There is a knock on the door.)
Rachel
Yeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter.)
Phoebe
Hi
Rachel
Hey.
Phoebe
(spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh.' Girl's night out indeed.
Rachel
(to Ross) Ok.' So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . .
Ross
Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right?' You go have fun.
Rachel
Okay.' You too.' And I hope you score.' (to Mike) Bye.
Mike
Bye.
Ross
So . . .' Welcome.
Mike
(Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I got beer.
Ross
I got bottled breast milk.
Mike
Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
Ross
Okay.' (They sit.)' So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
Mike
Yeah.
Ross
You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
Mike
Ah?' (pause)' Do you have one here?
Ross
No.
Mike
Okay.' (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink.' Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
Ross
Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced.' Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced?
Mike
Yeah.' (pause)' Yeah, I'm sorry.' I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it.
Ross
(pause) That's okay.' We'll talk about (pause) something else.' (They pause.' They drink.)
Mike:' So, you're a paleontologist, right?
Ross
Yeah.
Mike
My cousin's a paleontologist.
Ross
Ah?' (Mike nods.' Another pause.)' Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
[Scene:' Monica and Chandler's apartment.' Monica is wearing a sexy negligee.' She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase.' He sets the case by the door.]
Monica
Hi.
Chandler
Hey.
Monica
Welcome home.
Chandler
(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.)' Oh well, look at you.
Monica
Yeah.' What do you think?
Chandler
Well, it looks great.' It's just that . . . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath.' So . . .
Monica
Oh.
Chandler
See what I mean . . . (They kiss.)
(There is a loud thud at the door.)
Joey
Hey!' How come the door's locked?
Monica
Just a second.
Chandler
(hushed) No, no, no, no, no.' Joey can't know that I'm here.
Monica
Why not?
Chandler
Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game.' So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Monica
So, you lied to him?
Chandler
Achhh.' It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.' (pause)' Except with you.
Joey
Hey!' Open the door.' What's going on?' (He knocks.)
(Monica goes to the door.' Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)
Joey
What are you . ..' (He sees her in her negligee.)' Why are you dressed like that?
Monica
Oh, because, um . . .' well, Chandler's going to be home in a couple of days.' So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction.
Joey
Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before.
Monica
Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.' You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?"' (As Chandler) "Really sexy.' Could I BE any more turned on?"
Joey
Okay.' (pause.' He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.)' Whoa, whoa.' Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Monica
Because. . .' one of them is for you.
(Monica turns to get the wine.' Chandler peeps through the peephole.' Joey, seeing something, peeps back.' Chandler ducks.' Monica returns with two glasses of wine.' She gives one to Joey.)
Monica
Cheers.' (She clinks his glass and pulls back.)' Okay, buh-bye.' (She closes the door.)
Chandler
You know, it's funny.' I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.' (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.)' Hi ya.
Monica
You might want to keep practicing.
Chandler
Yah.
(Chandler's cell phone rings.' He looks at it.)
Chandler
It's Joey.' (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.)' Hey Joe.
Joey
Dude, come home!
Chandler
What? Why?
Joey
COME . . .' HOME.
Chandler
Look I, I can't.' What's going on?
Joey
I don't know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monica's cheatin' on ya.' I told you shouldn't have married someone so much hotter than you.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other.' Chandler nods.)
Joey
All right look.' (He walks to the hallway.)' If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna.
Chandler
NO!
Joey
(outside the apartment door) I just heard him!
Chandler
(softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?
Joey
(listens at the door.)' No.' (pause) All right, I'm going in.
Chandler
No! Wait!
Joey
I heard him again!
Chandler
(writhes as if in agony) All right, look.' Just stay there.' I'm coming home.
Joey
Okay.' Great.' I'll see you when you get here.' I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
Chandler
Is that really necessary?
Joey
Absolutely.' You'd do it for me.' Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
Scene 3
Ross and Rachel's apartment.' Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.' Ross stares off to the side.)
6 lines
Ross
Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?' I mean, they said thirty minutes or less.' Well, how long has it been?
Mike
(looking at his watch) Eleven minutes.' (long pause)' And now twelve.' So, do you like the beer?
Ross
I do.' I do.' Although, it's actually a lager.
Mike
huh.' (pause)' What's the difference between beer and lager?
Ross
I don't know.' We could look it up.
Mike
(nods) Things are about to get wild.
Scene 4
A bar.' Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.
16 lines
Phoebe
Oh God.' Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Rachel
Oh God.' It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe
I know.' (sighs)'' So, what's going on with you and Ross?
Rachel
Well, um . . . I don't know.' I mean, for a long time nothing.' But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
Phoebe
Oh my God!' I love things.' What happened?
Rachel
Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked.' And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.
Phoebe
Eye-contact?
Rachel
Mm-hmm.
Phoebe
I hope you were using protection.
Waiter
(with tray and two drinks)' Excuse me.' Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Rachel
Oh.' (to Phoebe) Should we send them something back?
Phoebe
Oooh.' Let's do.' Let's send them mashed potatoes.
Rachel
No!' Wait!' No, no.' Don't do that!' That's going to make them think they can come over here.
Phoebe
So?' What if they do?
Rachel
Well, we're not here to meet guys.' You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.
Phoebe
Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen.' We're just having fun.' You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact."
Scene 5
Monica and Chandler's apartment.' Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa.
11 lines
Monica
Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
Chandler
Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him?' (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?")' I heard it.
Monica
I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.
Chandler
All right.' I've got a plan.' I'll go down the fire escape.
Monica
Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape."
Chandler
Hear me out woman.' I'll go down the fire escape.' Then, I'll wait for a while.' Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.' Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
Monica
Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out?' (pause)' I heard it.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
Chandler
I'm just going to wait for a little while.
Monica
Scary pigeon's back?
Chandler
It's huge.
Scene 6
Ross and Rachel's apartment.'
1 lines
(Three pizza crusts, two bottle caps and the plastic tripod are left in the otherwise empty pizza box.' Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth.' He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink.' Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the sofa.)
Scene 7
The bar.' Two men are chatting with Rachel and Phoebe.
36 lines
Rachel
Oh my God.' I can't believe you live in that building.' My grandmother lives in that building.' Ida Green?' No sense of personal space?' Kind of smells like chicken?' Looks like a potato.
Bill
"Spuds" is your grandmother?
Rachel
That's my bubby!
Kevin
So, we're on our way to a couple of parties.' Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
Phoebe
Yeah. . . I'm sorry.' We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys.' I, I have a boyfriend.
Kevin
All right. It's no big deal.
Bill
So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?
Rachel
Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.' But um. . .
Bill
Then, can I have your number?
Rachel
(pause) I'm sorry, no.
Bill
Okay. (They start to walk away.)
Rachel
Oh sure.' (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.)
Phoebe
(Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number.
Bill
Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.
Rachel
Great.
Bill
Bye
Phoebe
Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel
I don't know.' He was cute, and he liked me.' It was an impulse.
Phoebe
What about Ross?' What about your moment?' Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel
No.' No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go.' "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."
Rachel
(lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah."' (Clears throat.)' "Me too."
Rachel
(as herself) "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it."
(as herself) "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"
Rachel
(as Ross) "Yeah.' That works for me." (Clears throat twice more.)
Phoebe
Yeah, I see what you mean.' By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Rachel
Oh, thanks.
Phoebe
But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
Rachel
(whining) Wha. . . hey!
Phoebe
(pointing) Better!
Rachel
Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know?' I should just . . . move on with my life.
Phoebe
Really?' You're moving on from Ross?
Rachel
I don't know.' Do I have to decide right now?
Phoebe
Well, you kind of just did.' That guy is going to call you tonight.' Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message.
Rachel
Oh God, Ross.' Ross is going to pick up the phone.' Oh, I have to get my number back.' (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.)' Oh my God.' He's gone.
Phoebe
(imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back.' Oh my God.' He's gone."' (smiles) Dead on.
Scene 8
Ross and Rachel's apartment.' Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.' Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.' Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)
28 lines
Mike
(releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, I'm going to take off.
Ross
So soon?
Mike
Well, yeah.
Ross
Okay.' Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
Mike
Ah, you mean lager.
Ross
Ah yeah.' Good times.
(Mike leaves.' Ross closes the door behind him.)
Mike
(In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief.' Back in the hall, Mike's cell phone rings.)
Mike
Hello?
Phoebe
(calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me.' Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
Mike
Uh, no.' I just left.
Phoebe
Well, you have to go back in.
Mike
Wha . . .?' Go back?' To the "land where time stands still"?
Phoebe
I'm so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone.' So, you have to intercept all his calls.
Mike
I can't do that!
Phoebe
(to Rachel) He says he can't do that.
Rachel
Oh give me , , ,' (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.)' Hi, Mike?' Hi.' Listen.' I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what?' If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want.' Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe
All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.)' Hello?' Hi.' I'm sorry about her, but she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike
All right.' I'll do it.' (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.)' But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe
(knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike.' Bye.
(Mike knocks on Ross's door.' Ross opens it.)
Mike
Hey buddy.
Ross
Uh, hi.
Mike
Um, can I come back in?
Ross
(putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.)' Why?' (He starts to lower his arm.)
Mike
(Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Ross
(whining) But you left.
Scene 9
The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.' Chandler enters from the stairs.' Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.
25 lines
Joey
Wow!' That didn't take long.' I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler
(pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods.' Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
Monica
(gasp) Chandler!' You're home!
Chandler
That's right.' You're husband's home.' So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look.' Monica gives a similar look.)
Monica
What are you saying?
Chandler
Joey said that you're in here with another man.
Monica
There's no man in here.' How dare you accuse me of that.' (She slaps Chandler.)
Joey
All right.' All right.' Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?' (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat.' Then he proceeds to their bedroom.)' Bwa-ah-ah!
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
Chandler
(To Monica) What is he doing?
Monica
(smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey
(emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Chandler
All right.' Well, I'll check the guest room.
Joey
(sniffing the air and then Monica.)' Why do I smell men's cologne?
Monica
(sniffing Joey) I think that's you.
Joey
(sniffs his shirt.)' Oh yeah.' I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler
There's nobody here Joe.
Joey
I guess not.
Monica
I can't believe you thought I was cheating.' (pointing at Joey) You own me an apology.
Joey
Yeah, right Monica.' I'm so sorry.
Monica
(suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, it's an honest mistake.' It could happen to anyone.' All right, see ya.
Joey
(spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa.' Wait a minute.' Wait a minute.' If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler
(thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?
Scene 10
Ross and Rachel's apartment.' Mike is reading from a book.
5 lines
Mike
So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.' Fascinating isn't it.
Ross
Maybe you should look up "fascinating."
(Phone rings.)
Mike
I'll get it.' (He lunges across Ross's lap on the sofa to reach the phone.' Ross stares at him with wide eyes.)' Hello?' Ross's place.' Mike speaking.' (pause.' Hands phone to Ross)' It's for you.
Ross
(takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.
Scene 11
Monica and Chandler's apartment " continuing action.
26 lines
Joey
What's going on?
Chandler
I'm sorry.' I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . .' I didn't think you'd understand.
Joey
What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife?' Huh?' Do you think I'm like, "Duh."' (He strikes himself in the head with the bat.' He stands dazed for a moment.)
Monica
Joey?
Joey
Yeah?' (His eyes bug out.)
Monica
I don't know what to say.' We shouldn't have lied to you.
Chandler
Yeah.' I feel so bad.' Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey
(pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't.' But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Chandler
I'm sorry. 'That's the one thing I can't do.' I promised I'd be with Monica.
Joey
All right.
Monica
(taps Chandler on the arm) You can go.
Chandler
What?
Monica
You should go to the game.' It's okay.' I want you to.
Chandler
Really?' You're gonna be okay?
Monica
Yeah, I'll be fine.' You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler
You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?
Monica
It's gonna be so hot!' (She kisses him.)
Chandler
Okay, bye.
Monica
Have fun.
Joey
Thanks.' (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall.' Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.)' Here's your ticket.
Chandler
Hey, listen.' I'm never going to lie to you again, okay?' And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
Joey
Thanks man.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
Joey
Where are you going?
Chandler
Game's tomorrow night Joe.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)
Scene 12
Ross and Rachel's apartment.' Rachel and Phoebe enter.
40 lines
Rachel
Hi.
(Everyone exchanges greetings.)
Ross
Oh God.' (He hugs Rachel)
Rachel
Oh . . .
Mike
I'm so glad you're back.' (He hugs Phoebe.)
Phoebe
Oh.
Rachel
Wow.' So, what did you guys do?
Ross
Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
Mike
It's true.' I did.
Phoebe
(pause) Well, good bye.
(Okays, and good byes are exchanged all around.)
Rachel
That was fun Pheebs.
Phoebe
I know.' That was fun.' (She and Mike exit.)
Rachel
See you guys.' (She closes the door.)
Ross
Rachel, lock the door.' Lock the door,' seriously.
Rachel
Oh shoot.' I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks.' (She exits to the hallway and closes the door behind her.)' Wait, wait.' Sorry.' Did he call?' Did that guy call?
Mike
No.' Just his mom.
Rachel
Oh, around 8:30?
Mike
Yeah.
Rachel
Then, again at 9:00?
Mike
(nods) uh-huh.
Rachel
Yeah.
(Inside the apartment the phone rings.' Ross answers it.)
Ross
Hello.' (listens)' Ah, no, she's not here right now.' Can I take a message?' (grabs a pad and pen)' Bill from the bar?' (writes)' Okay, "Bill from the bar."' I'll make sure she gets your number.
(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the pad.' Then, he stops and re-reads it.' Rachel enters.)
Rachel
Aaah.' (She goes to tend Emma.)
Ross
So, ah . . . So, how was it?'' Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time?
Rachel
Oh, it was so much fun.' It felt so good to be out.
Ross
(holds up the message) Uh, Rach.
Rachel
(still looking at Emma) Yeah?
Ross
(pauses, then crunches up the note and stuffs it in his pocket.)' Never mind.
[END]
[tag Scene
Central Perk.' Phoebe and Mike are on the sofa.' Ross enters.]
Ross
Hey you guys.' (He sits.)
Mike
Hey.
Phoebe
Hey.' I'll be right back.' I've got to go to the bathroom.' (She rises and exits.)
(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone. 'They sheepishly exchange glances.)
Mike
(finally) Stout.' That's a kind of beer.
(Ross smiles slightly.' Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet.' He exits the coffee shop.)
