Monica suspects Chandler is aroused by sharks after he switches from porn to a documentary.
12 Scenes212 Lines
Scene 1
Ross is in Central Perk. Phoebe comes in.
30 lines
Phoebe
Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?
Ross
sure.
Phoebe
Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
Ross
people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.
Phoebe
oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.
Ross
oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?
Phoebe
oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market.
Ross
you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going?
Phoebe
yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross
but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.
Phoebe
I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy (pause) well what about (pause) ok well there's gotta be someone.
Ross
There isn't that's what I'm saying. (All happy)
Phoebe
Oh my god you're right.
Ross
I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.
Phoebe
I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong with me.
Ross
no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe
I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)
Ross
please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.
Phoebe
least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross (cries more)
Mike
Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) what's wrong?
Phoebe
nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
Ross
I'm sorry I didn't catch.
Mike
its Mike Hanagen
Ross
Oh Ross Geller
Mike
Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.
Phoebe
uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)
Ross
do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe
(goes to cry) No
Ross
you look great.
(OPENING CREDITS)
Scene 2
Monica enters Central Perk.
27 lines
Monica
Monica:: hey Joey
Joey
Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?
Monica
Monica:: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you (looks at the woman) but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.
Joey
Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?
Monica
Monica:: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend
Joey
how come?
Monica
Monica:: he has to work, there's some rush on the big (pause, thinks) ah damn it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey
oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.
Monica
Monica:: maybe I will go (thinks) yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa romana.
Joey
oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. (Nods)
Monica
Monica:: how do you know I have one of those?
Joey
didn't till just now.
(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)
Joey
hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!
Hayley
excuse me?
Joey
I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.
Hayley
oh I thought you said Hi.
Joey
that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.
Hayley
I'm Hayley.
Joey
look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses
Gunther
HA!
Joey
(turns round) gesundheit
Hayley
I would love to go out with you.
Joey
really, great, did I actually ask you?
Hayley
no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.
Gunther
HA!
Joey
(turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)
Scene 3
Ross is at Phoebe's.
7 lines
Ross
so how'd the date go?
Phoebe
well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying.
Ross
So he hasn't called?
Phoebe
would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing
Ross
now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
Phoebe
well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross
We are a rare breed.
Scene 4
Joey is back at Hayleys apartment.
8 lines
Hayley
what a great dinner.
Joey
yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley
(laughs) your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything?
Joey
do you have any cake?
(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't see what's so funny about it)
>>> Joey's Subconscious
So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to a painting on the wall) Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've seen this weird plant before (it's a cactus and he touch's it) AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.
Joey
(bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) AWCH! That's why.
Scene 5
Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe.
21 lines
Ross
(He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
Mike
Sure (looks confused) who are you?
Ross
I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.
Mike
Oh.
Ross
yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike
Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Ross
(laughs) No
Mike
oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)
Ross
Damn super cuts!
Mike
what's up is Phoebe ok?
Ross
oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike
that's why she was weird.
Ross
yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off.
Mike
I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Ross
well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.
Mike
hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross
of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.
Mike
but you did say it
Ross
yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-'-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum.
Mike
Vicrum?
Ross
WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!
Scene 6
Chandler arrives home from work.
15 lines
Chandler
(enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.
-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)
Chandler
DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)
Monica
Monica:: is everything all right?
Chandler
everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)
Monica
Monica:: I'm gonna go freshen up ok
Chandler
Ok honey. that was close.
-Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)
Rachel
Hello
Monica
Monica:: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel
Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.
Monica
Monica:: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!
Rachel
Nooooooooo!
Monica
Monica:: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 7
Rachel is at Monica's, talking about Chandler & him watching "Shark Porn".
27 lines
Rachel
well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
Monica
Monica:: do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing.
Rachel
man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.
Monica
Monica:: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws!
Rachel
Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica
Monica:: Eww are you talking about my bother.
Rachel
yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i.
Joey
(enters) Hey
Rachel
(sits down) Hi
Joey
listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.
(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)
Rachel
so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.
Joey
well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica
Monica:: But you don't remember sleeping with her.
Joey
yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know.
Rachel
what, how do we know, we never slept with you.
Joey
and who's fault is that.
Monica
Monica:: what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night
Joey
HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!
Monica
Monica:: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.
Rachel
yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other.
Joey
Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!
Monica
Monica:: Joey, Joey.
Joey
What?
Monica
Monica:: you don't think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey
No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?
(Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)
Scene 8
Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.
19 lines
Phoebe
It's open.
Ross
Hey!
Phoebe
HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around with happiness)
Ross
YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe
What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do Ross!
Ross
oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.
Phoebe
WHAT!
Ross
umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
Phoebe
WHAT! WHY?
Ross
well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe
(Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!
Ross
well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah. (He makes another wow face)
Phoebe
I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him.
Ross
Good yeah just be honest with him.
Phoebe
yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)
Ross
I'll get it
Phoebe
ok
Mike
(Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over her mouth)
Phoebe
Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.
Scene 9
Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date.
12 lines
Hayley
so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.
Joey
Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley
What?
Joey
How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley
What! When?
Joey
I dunno!
Hayley
I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you
Joey
come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Hayley
no it's not ringing any bells.
Joey
my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?
Hayley's Roommate
Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey
Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) I'll let myself out.
Scene 10
Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum.
17 lines
Phoebe
.and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike
But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross
Phoebe
yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike
that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
Phoebe
I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
Mike
I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me.
Phoebe
Oh.
Mike
and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Phoebe
ok I can't do this.
Mike
what's wrong?
Phoebe
well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.
Mike
uh huh
Phoebe
so you don't think I'm a total freak
Mike
No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Phoebe
I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.
Mike
Definitely
Ross
(They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.
Scene 11
Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for Chandler.
25 lines
Chandler
Hi honey I'm home!
Monica
Monica:: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
Chandler
oh it was great.
Monica
Monica:: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.
Chandler
well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!
Monica
Monica:: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck.)
Chandler
(Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.
Monica
Monica:: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.
Chandler
no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.
Monica
Monica:: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler
does what always have to be sharks.
Monica
Monica:: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.
Chandler
What's going on?
Monica
Monica:: sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
Chandler
let ME be a part of this!
Monica
Monica:: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler
no they don't
Monica
Monica:: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.
Chandler
OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn
Monica
Monica:: really?
Chandler
yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.
Monica
Monica:: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)
Chandler
You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Monica
Monica:: Im very, very drunk right now.
(They hug, Scene fades to black)
Scene 12
Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.
4 lines
Joey
(looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe
you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious.
Joey
your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.
