Monica and Chandler host a late Thanksgiving after the others arrive late.
9 Scenes370 Lines
Scene 1
Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter, the others are sitting on the couch.
26 lines
Monica
Hey guys!
Rachel
Hi!
Phoebe
Hey!
Monica
We need to talk to you about something.
Chandler
Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year.
Everyone
What?
Phoebe
Hey!
Ross
Are you kidding?
Chandler
Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.
Ross
(skeptical) That doesn't sound like you... That's Monica talking!
Chandler
No, no! We made this decision together.
Ross
She's putting words in your mouth!
Joey
Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths!
Rachel
I can't believe this! This is Emma's first Thanksgiving!
Monica
No, it's not!
Rachel
It's not? (whispering to Ross) When was she born?
Phoebe
Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break.
Monica
Thank you, Pheebs!
Phoebe
Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.
Monica
What? You are way off, lady!
Phoebe
Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself.
Monica
That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this!
Chandler
Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!
Monica
Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME!
Chandler
We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?
OPENING CREDITS
Scene 2
Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are in there, and Phoebe enters
28 lines
Phoebe
Hey!
Rachel
Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!
Phoebe
Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day.
Monica
You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for me?
Phoebe
You're not making the pies yourself?
Monica
No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick.
Rachel
Did you at least win the contest?
Monica
2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4.
Rachel
Can't wait!
Monica
This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face, last year "me"!
(Monica leaves)
Phoebe
Hey Rach.
Rachel
Yeah.
Phoebe
What's Emma doing today?
Rachel
Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why?
Phoebe
Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant.
Rachel
Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard!
Phoebe
Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog!
Rachel
Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful!
Phoebe
(sarcastic) Oh... okay.
Rachel
Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy...
Rachel
And a thousand dollars.
Rachel
...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that (in a deep voice, mocking Ross) what's in the inside is important...
Phoebe
Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition.
Rachel
Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?
Phoebe
Well, I was thinking...
Rachel
Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid.
Phoebe
Yeah!
Scene 3
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is watching Tv and Monica is cooking
42 lines
Monica
(Chandler's laughing) Did someone drop the baton again?
Chandler
Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?
Monica
(she tastes what she has cooked) I don't get older. I just get better!
Chandler
You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!
Monica
You don't know that.
Chandler
Somebody is gonna pick us.
Monica
Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks!
Chandler
I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. (pause) What, he's my favourite author!
Monica
Name one of his books.
Chandler
(after a long pause) "The Firm"?
Monica
Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready...
Chandler
You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.
Monica
Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do.
Chandler
I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile".
Monica
Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
Chandler
Tell me more.
Monica
Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)
Chandler
You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!
(Ross and Joey enter)
Ross
Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!
Joey
Three tickets to today's Rangers game!!
Ross
Dude, I wanted him to guess.
Joey
Oh.
Chandler
Oh my God!
Joey
Yeah, they're great seats too!
Ross
Guess where they are?
Joey
Center ice.
Ross
Did I do something to you?
Chandler
Hmm, the game's at one.
Ross
So?
Chandler
Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back.
Joey
So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time.
Chandler
You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.
Joey
Dude, two times that happened!
Chandler
Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!
Ross
He's right, man.
Joey
Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four.
Chandler
Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!
Joey
That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and Ross leave)
Ross
We're still going at the game, right?
Joey
Yeah!
Ross
Yeah.
Scene 4
Baby beauty contest
21 lines
Host
This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca...
Phoebe
Hey.
Rachel
Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid!
Phoebe
We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks!
Rachel
Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!
Phoebe
Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. (she looks around) It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man.
Rachel
Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner!
Phoebe
(panicking) But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way!
Rachel
Phoebe, you have to calm down.
Phoebe
Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma!
Rachel
Really?
Phoebe
Yeah!
Rachel
You heard them say that?
Phoebe
Yeah!
Rachel
All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about!
Phoebe
Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup!
Rachel
No, what?
Phoebe
Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants!
Rachel
No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby!
Phoebe
Why not!
Rachel
Because I already did!
Scene 5
Madison Square Garden
15 lines
(there's a lot of shouting and yelling)
Joey
Oh, Bob, get off the guy!
Ross
Oh! What a game, huh?
Joey
I know, yeah.
Ross
I can't believe Chandler is missing this!
Joey
Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got to say, (takes some nachos from a plate on the seat where Chandler should have been) I am really enjoying Nacho Chair.
Ross
Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away.
Joey
Ohhhh! These seats are great!
Ross
I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays on Ice (Joey looks around worried hoping no one heard that) I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner!
Joey
(looks at the time) Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner.
Ross
Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal.
Joey
I don't know...
Ross
One more fight!
Joey
Okay.
Ross
Okay.
Scene 6
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
2 lines
Monica
Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes late!
Chandler
I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!
Scene 7
The corridor. Ross and Joey have just arrived.
42 lines
Joey
How late are we?
Ross
Forty-five minutes.
Joey
Wow (He opens his apartment door and throws their stuff in.)
Ross
(handing him his coat) Here!
Joey
Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
Ross
You may want to lose the foam finger!
Joey
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand!
(Rachel, Phoebe and Emma arrive)
Ross
Hey!
Phoebe
Oh!
Joey
You are not at Thanksgiving?
Rachel
No...
Phoebe
No, we're late!
Rachel
What are you doing here!
Ross
We're late too! (Rachel screams)
Joey
We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time (he points the foam finger at the girls)
Phoebe
Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani!
Ross
So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us!
Joey
Yeah, where were you!
Ross
Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy!
Phoebe
Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee!
Rachel
And I won!
Ross
You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee.
Rachel
Yes! (spells it) Y-E-S. Yes!
Ross
Let me see this... (he takes the trophy from Rachel's hands) Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division.
Rachel
Yeah. That's me!
Ross
You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant?
Phoebe
And it looks like she put makeup on her!
Joey
Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before...
Ross
I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable!
Rachel
She won a thousand dollars!
Ross
So this is an annual thing?
Joey
(realizing) Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit!
Phoebe
You guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier!
Ross
Yeah. What are we gonna do?
Rachel
Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap.
Joey
All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia Mae.
Phoebe
Alright, what are we gonna say?
Ross
Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged!
Phoebe
Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like you were mugged!
Joey
No. Here (he tears off the pocket from Ross' shirt, and tears off everything below that as well.)
Ross
(to Joey) HEY!
Scene 8
Monica's apartment.
184 lines
Monica
Do you hear something? (Chandlers stands up and goes to the door to look out from the peephole)
Chandler
(peeping) They're out there!
Monica
Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking!
Chandler
(peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game!
Monica
(gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of pain!
Chandler
(looking through the peephole again) Ross' shirt is torn.
Monica
Oh! They're late and they're sloppy!
[Cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of her apartment)
Rachel
Alright, Emma is napping... (then to Ross) what happened to your shirt?
Ross
I got mugged. And they stole my pocket.
Phoebe
We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! (Others start to agree but she continues) OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her.
Ross
(sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.
Rachel
You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. (When she finishes talking, a note is pushed from under Monica's and Chandler's door, into the hall. Ross picks it up and reads it out loud)
Ross
(Reading the note) We know you're out there. (Rachel gasps)
Joey
(whispering) Who do you think its from?
[time lapse - they are still in the hall]
Rachel
Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad.
Ross
Well, let's just go in there and face them.
Phoebe
Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.
Joey
I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning.
Rachel
Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
Joey
(smiling from ear to ear) Ah-haah! I win!!
Ross
What is that?
Joey
That's fire. Beats everything.
Phoebe
Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).
Joey
Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played.
Rachel
Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time.
Everyone
Alright, okay. (Phoebe reaches for the door, and tries to open it but it's locked)
Phoebe
It's locked.
Ross
Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy".
Rachel
Alright, come on... (starts to knock on the door) Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica
No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy.
Chandler
Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?
Monica
(Rolling her eyes) Nothing. It's fine.
Chandler
(relieved) Oh thank God!
[cut to the hall]
Ross
Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down.
Chandler
(looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.
Ross
(to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot hand) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! (takes it off his hand and throws it on the floor)
Rachel
You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. (A slice of turkey on a piece of aluminum foil is slid under door)
Joey
I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. (Ross picks it up)
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica
That's all the turkey you're gonna get.
[cut to the hall]
Ross
How are we gonna decide who gets this?
Joey
(holds his fist up) WATER BALLOON! (he stuffs the slice in is mouth and gives the foil back to Ross)
Phoebe
What are we gonna do? I'm starving.
Rachel
(gasps) Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning.
Phoebe
Oh yeah!
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica
Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.
Chandler
Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)
[cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)
Rachel
Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. (they all look appalled)
Ross
That's worse than no food.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
(Monica looks insulted)
Chandler
HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts!
Monica
Stinky?!
Chandler
Please let me stay on this side of the door.
[cut to hall]
Rachel
Oh, I know... I still have my old key! (She goes in to get it and comes back with her keys) We can just unlock the door.
Phoebe
Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us.
Rachel
You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. (Goes to unlock the door)
Joey
(to Ross) Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us.
Ross
I don't know...
Joey
I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.
Ross
(Staring back, and then breaks off) (To Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, he can do it!
(Rachel finally manages to open the door, but the door chain is on.)
Rachel
Oh!
(Joey sticks his head through the gap. Monica and Chandler are now sitting at the dinner table. There is another smaller table full of food standing in front of the front door)
(Monica and Chandler do not look amused by Joeys head in the door)
Joey
Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing...
(Monica is now smiling)
Chandler
The cranberries...?
Monica
Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em!
Joey
(still with his door wedged in the door gap, now opens his eyes wide and stares at Monica and Chandler as he did with Ross earlier in the hall) Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible.
Chandler
He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They both look away)
Joey
Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the hall) Right guys?
(Ross head appears above Joey's, Rachel's below Joey's and Phoebe's at the bottom)
Ross
I feel terrible.
Rachel
So, so sorry.
Joey
(smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?
Chandler
The floating heads do make a good point.
Monica
Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
Rachel
So bad.
Ross
So bad.
Phoebe
So bad.
Monica
(Gets up) Okay, okay. You two (to Phoebe and Rachel) go get the dessert. And I'll let you in.
Rachel
Dessert?
Monica
Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right?
Phoebe
Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize (goes to the hall and comes back with Emma's trophy in her hand). Here! (gives it to Monica).
(Monica takes it and reads the label)
Monica
Grand Supreme Little Darling?
Rachel
Congratulatioooons!
Monica
Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.
Ross
Really girls, not cool.
Chandler
Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.
Joey
Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness!
Ross
It's a day to be thankful.
Joey
(to Ross, mouthing) Don't make me come up there!
Monica
It's too late for apologies.
Joey
Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner.
Chandler
That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.
Rachel
Ewww, is that what that is?
Joey
Sorry!
Phoebe
Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.
Rachel
Yeah! I'll cook!
Ross
Yeah! Let's go out.
Rachel
Hey!
Joey
Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.
Monica
The three of us?
Joey
Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!
(Monica gasps and holds her forehead. Phoebe, Rachel and Ross pull back their heads)
Joey
Ha!
(When Joey tries to pull back his head, he notices he is stuck)
Joey
Oh-oh! I'm stuck!
Monica
Joey, that is not gonna work.
Joey
No seriously... I'm really wedged in here.
Phoebe
I'll pull you through.
Ross
Okay.
Joey
(in agony) aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried about damaging my head.
Chandler
A little late for that.
Joey
Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something.
Monica
Alright, well, this does not change anything. (to Chandler) Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face.
Chandler
Uhm, we've got turkey grease.
Monica
Bring it.
Joey
I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person...
(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper" with the turkey grease in it)
Monica
Here you go!
(She squirts some of the grease along Joey's face.)
Joey
Oh, that smells good!
(And he starts licking the grease which trickles down his face. Monica also squirts some on the other side of his face, and his tongue follows her movements.)
Joey
Okay.
Monica
Okay, try it.
(Joey tries to pull back at all his might.)
Joey
It isn't working.
Monica
Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain.
Joey
Well hurry, I can't feel my ears!
Chandler
Can you ever feel your ears?
Joey
Interesting...
Monica
Chandler, where are your tools?
Chandler
(sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools!
Monica
I do, but Rachel borrowed them.
Rachel
I lent them to Ross.
Ross
I gave them to Joey.
Joey
I left them at the park.
Monica
Oh!
Ross
(looking at Joey's butt) I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him.
Phoebe
I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants.
Ross
Nice!
(The phone rings in Chandler and Monica's apartment)
Monica
Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken.
Joey
It's really starting to hurt.
Chandler
Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!
Phoebe
Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here.
(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full and are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys pants.)
Joey
Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants!
Chandler
Come on guys, PUSH!
Joey
Yeah! Come on!
Chandler
PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Chandler
My cranberries!
Joey
(looking at himself) Man, I've got food all over me.
(He licks his fingers, liking it. He offers Chandler a taste.)
Chandler
Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you!
(Monica enters from the spare bedroom.)
Chandler
(to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did!
Monica
(very emotional) I don't care.
(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He looks at Monica, then at the others, then back at Monica.)
Chandler
What's going on?
Monica
That was the adoption agency...
Chandler
And?
Monica
WE'RE GETTING A BABY!
Chandler
Are you serious? (they hug)
Monica
There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us!
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)
Rachel
I'm so happy for you!
Monica
This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass!
(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating the food off his shirt)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 9
Chandler and Monica's apartment. The table is set, and there's food on the tables again. They're all there, toasting.
10 lines
Rachel
To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio.
Ross
I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid.
Phoebe
I know. Have you considered pageanting?
Monica
I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)
Joey
Oh, I know how you feel...
(Monica and Chandler are looking curiously at Joey.)
Rachel
Really?
Joey
Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock!
