Monica and Chandler plan to move in together, keeping it from Rachel and Joey. Phoebe suspects Ross still loves Rachel.
11 Scenes257 Lines
Scene 1
Central Perk, it's the same scene from the end of last week's show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.
38 lines
Ross
Hey!
Rachel
Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?
Ross
Oh, yeah, no problems. It's all taken care of.
Rachel
Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross
Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel
Okay, umm, I'm gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
Ross
Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe
Always.
Ross
I didn't get the annulment.
Phoebe
What?!
Ross
We're still married! Don't tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Ross
(To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?
Rachel
Oh? Yeah! Sure!
Phoebe
(running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?
Rachel
Oh but Phoebe, we're gonna be late for the movie.
(A cab pulls up.)
Phoebe
Oh, there's a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)
Rachel
Yeah, we're, we're actually just gonna walk 'cause it's right up there at the Angelica.
Phoebe
Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab's roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn't get the annulment?!!
Ross
I know.
Phoebe
Ross?!
Ross
Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer's office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.
Phoebe
Don't be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y'know? Mine's gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.
Ross
Look, all I know is I-I can't have another failed marriage!
Phoebe
So okay what? You're gonna be married to a girl who doesn't even know about it?!-Op, woman! Sorry.
Ross
Well, okay so, I don't have it all worked out quite yet. Just don't say anything to Rachel, please?
Phoebe
Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!
(Rachel's cab backs up.)
Rachel
(to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!
Phoebe
Hey Rach!
Rachel
What was that?!
Phoebe
Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?
Rachel
I haven't seen it yet!
Phoebe
Well then you'd better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)
Rachel
Noooooooo!!
OPENING CREDITS
{transciber's Note
In case you're wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show...}
Scene 2
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.
20 lines
Chandler
Y'know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica
Of course! Joey wouldn't let you have one?
Chandler
No. When it comes to sweets, he's surprisingly strict.
Monica
Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you're moving out?
Chandler
No, no, I keep trying, y'know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too..." but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "...go to the bathroom." He may think I'm sick.
Monica
Y'know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I... We just have to get it over with! Y'know, the next time we see them we're just gonna tell them. Okay? That's it.
Chandler
Oh, so that's this is gonna work now? You're just gonna order me around all the time?
Monica
Pretty much.
Chandler
All right.
Joey
(entering) Hey Monica!
Monica
Hi!
Joey
(To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)
Monica
Joey, we have something to tell you.
Joey
Oh my God! You're pregnant!
Chandler
No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here's the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I'm gonna be moving out man.
Joey
Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh... Hey! I'm really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.)
Monica
Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!
Joey
Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you'd believe that. This sucks!
Chandler
Look, I-I'm just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I'm moving right back in with you!
Joey
(To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you're gonna be moving in with him I feel it's my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He's a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm... Oh-oh he always, he always umm-Oh, who am I kidding! He's the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
Scene 3
Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.
30 lines
Monica
Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe
Hey!
Monica
Hey, have you seen Rachel?
Phoebe
No, why?
Monica
I have some pretty exciting news!
Phoebe
(gasps) You're pregnant!
Monica
No! Chandler and I are moving in together!
Phoebe
Ooh! That's good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe.
(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)
Ross
Hey! Hi!
Monica
Hey!
Ross
What's up?
Monica
Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.
Ross
Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend...shaking up. Oh, that's great. That's great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
Phoebe
Guys, I'm happy too.
Monica
Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
Phoebe
Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled... (Winks at Ross.)
Monica
Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn't seem so bad? (Exits.)
Ross
Bye.
Phoebe
Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel... Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!
Ross
Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody's stairs!
Phoebe
Ross, it's not that big a deal! So you'll been divorced three times, you'll still have a life, you'll go on dates...
Ross
(interrupting) No! No, I won't! I'll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.
Phoebe
Ross, you're being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!
Ross
Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?
Phoebe
Y'know that's really fair. Y'know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I'll show you! Come here.
Ross
What?! Why?
(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I'll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
Phoebe
(to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn't you date him?
Ross
And if you wait right here, I'll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.)
Scene 4
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.
28 lines
Chandler
(entering) Hey!
Monica
Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!
Chandler
(looking down) What gave me away?
Monica
I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she's the only one left!
Chandler
Okay, so that's it, everybody knows! It's official, we're moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?
Monica
No.
Chandler
Wow that was my scariest voice! You're very brave.
(They hug as Rachel enters.)
Rachel
Hey!
Chandler
Hey.
Rachel
Ugh, the worse day! Y'know, you think you're making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.
Chandler
Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
Rachel
I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
Chandler
Well, I-I still think you're very-very nice and very pretty...
Rachel
What?
Chandler
(To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)
Monica
Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.
Rachel
Oh my God! That's so great! I'm so happy for you guys!
Monica
Really?!
Rachel
And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!
Monica
Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.)
Rachel
And Chandler, you're gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can't be late.
Chandler
Rach...
Monica
Yeah, he's gonna work on that.
Rachel
Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God... (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door...
Monica
(singing) We'll be waiting for you...
{transciber's Note
I'll finish that one for those of you who don't know what they're talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three's Company too! Yeah, that's the theme song for Three's Company.}
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 5
Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross's three divorces.
18 lines
Ross
...once you know the stories, it's not that bad. First marriage, wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn't allow you to get married when you're that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada's fault.
Phoebe
Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn't be interested? Who wouldn't want to date him?
Stephanie
Well the divorces don't bother me, I'd date him. But, not while he's still married.
Phoebe
Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn't you want a date?
Karin
Actually, I'm dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y'know bad for me, so until I work that out...
Phoebe
(interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?
Meg
Well, I don't care about the divorces either, but I wouldn't date him. It's just that he's obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
Ross
What?!
Phoebe
(leaning to him) She said, "He's obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.)
Ross
This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?
Phoebe
Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.
Ross
We were drunk! I would've married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe
Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!
Ross
(to the panel) Look, I'm sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don't want to be divorced three times.
Phoebe
Yes, and now he's using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg.
Ross
(getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I'll go to my lawyer's office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth-(leans down to Meg's ear)-Nothing!!
Meg
Okay now I wouldn't date you because you seem a little creepy.
Karin
I am so attracted to him right now.
Scene 6
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler's moving in and she's moving out.
28 lines
Chandler
Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?
Monica
Soon! I-I just couldn't before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn't do that to her, she's my best friend!
Chandler
Well, Joey's my best friend.
Monica
I'm not your best friend?
Chandler
You just said... Of course you're my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?
Monica
All right, all right, at least I'm prepared.
Chandler
Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)
Monica
(slapping his hand) Hey!
Chandler
Hey-hey!
Monica
These aren't for you! Are you upset?
Chandler
I am now!
Rachel
(entering) Hey roomie!
Chandler
Okay, bye! (Exits.)
Monica
Rach, there's something uh, important I have to tell you.
Rachel
(gasps) Are you pregnant?!
Monica
No! But, I'm throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before.
Rachel
Um-hmm.
Monica
Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together.
Rachel
(laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that's funny, I can't believe I did that.
Monica
Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn't clear! I'm really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There's absolutely no rush.
Rachel
Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)
Monica
Okay. Don't you want a cookie?
Rachel
Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.
Monica
Maybe, do you need a tissue?
(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)
Rachel
Monica, where did you get these?!
Monica
I made them!
Rachel
Ooh, good God, they're so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)
Scene 7
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.
14 lines
Joey
God, it's gonna so weird like when I come home and you're not here. Y'know? No more Joey and Chan's. No more J and C's. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler's?" "Can't, its not there."
Chandler
Look, I'm just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.
Joey
Yeah but we won't be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
Chandler
Not once did we do that.
Monica
(entering) Hi.
Chandler
Hey!
Joey
Hi.
Monica
So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
Chandler
Oh yeah? Well, how'd she take it?
Monica
Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn't cry. She wasn't angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
Chandler
And you're upset because you didn't make your best friend cry?
Monica
I mean, all I'm asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don't I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
Joey
Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It's like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie's!!
Chandler
Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!
Scene 8
Ross's lawyer's office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.
20 lines
Russell
You got married again.
Ross
Yes.
Russell
So that's your second marriage in two years.
Ross
Yes, second in two years. Third overall.
Russell
Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don't you tell me what happened.
Ross
Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk...
Russell
(interrupting) I'm sorry, is this the same Rachel who's name you said at the altar in the second marriage?
Ross
Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.
Russell
Oh, that's better then.
Ross
This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.
Russell
I see. Have you considered therapy?
Ross
I think just the annulment for today.
Russell
There are a couple of forms to fill out.
Ross
Easy.
Russell
And we'll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.
Ross
No problem.
Russell
And we'll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.
Ross
Ooh! There's no way to do this without her? 'Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.
Russell
Of course you did. Look Ross, you can't get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.
Ross
Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy.
Scene 9
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.
32 lines
Rachel
Hey!
Monica
Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff.
Rachel
Okay!
Monica
Y'know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.
Rachel
Okay.
Monica
Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don't know if I want it because it might be y'know, too many memories!
Rachel
(grabbing the star) What the hell is that?
Monica
I don't know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.
Rachel
Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!
Monica
Something to remember me by!
Rachel
Mon, honey you're not dying. I'm just moving out. Y'know, I mean we're gonna see each other all the time.
Monica
But still, it's a big change. The end of an era, you might say!
Rachel
Are you okay? You're not blinking.
Monica
I'm fine! I just, I'm thinking how much it's an end of era.
Rachel
Oh, all right. But y'know I gotta say, I don't, I don't think six years counts as an era.
Monica
An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn't significant to you!
Rachel
What is the matter with you?!
Monica
What is the matter with you?!! Why aren't you more upset?! Aren't you gonna be sad that we're not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren't you gonna miss me at all?!
Rachel
All right, fine, but don't get mad at me. It's-it's just a little hard to believe.
Monica
What's hard to believe?
Rachel
Well y'know, it's you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y'know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I'm not upset because I don't see you guys going through with it. I'm sorry.
Monica
Rachel, it's going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.
Rachel
But I...
Monica
No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn't something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.
Rachel
It is? Really?
Monica
Yeah, sweetie.
Rachel
(starting to lose her composure) I mean we're not, we're not gonna live together anymore?
Monica
No.
Rachel
What? Oh my God! I'm gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.)
Monica
I'm gonna miss you! (They hug.)
Rachel
I mean it's the end of an era!
Monica
I know!
Scene 10
The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler's.
18 lines
Phoebe
(to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!
Ross
Oh no.
Phoebe
So? Did you get the annulment?
Ross
I couldn't.
Phoebe
I knew it! Because you love Rachel.
Ross
It's not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I...
Phoebe
Yeah, complicated 'cause of the love.
Ross
I... I do, I do not love Rachel. I'm gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?
Phoebe
I've never been more convinced of your love for her.
Ross
I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.]
Ross
Ohh, what's wrong?!
Rachel
Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing.
Ross
Oh my-Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
Rachel
Thank you.
Ross
Of course.
(Ross suddenly realizes something.)
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 11
Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.
11 lines
Joey
So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe
Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey
Really?! Well, when?
Phoebe
Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey
Wow.
Phoebe
I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey
Great!
Phoebe
But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey
Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe
I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
