S02E12-S02E13

The One After the Superbowl

Full screenplay script transcript for Friends S02E12-S02E13: The One After the Superbowl

28 Scenes528 Lines
Scene 1

In a Tv commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.

15 lines
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
Commercial Voiceover
Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
Commercial Voiceover
...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
ross
Ross
That commercial always makes me so sad.
joey
Joey
Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
ross
Ross
I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
phoebe
Phoebe
I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
monica
Monica
And the fact that they're both monkeys.
ross
Ross
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
rachel
Rachel
Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
ross
Ross
Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
chandler
Chandler
Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
OPENING CREDITS
Scene 2

Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.

26 lines
[Joey enters holding a letter]
joey
Joey
Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
chandler
Chandler
Rhythm?
joey
Joey
No, my first fan mail.
Everyone
Alright!
monica
Monica
[reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
rachel
Rachel
Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
monica
Monica
This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
joey
Joey
Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
[Ross enters with a suitcase]
ross
Ross
Hey guys.
Everyone
Hey.
phoebe
Phoebe
Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
ross
Ross
Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
chandler
Chandler
You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]
rachel
Rachel
Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
[Everyone laughs]
phoebe
Phoebe
I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
Rob
Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
phoebe
Phoebe
Hi Rob Dohnen.
Rob
I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, wow.
Rob
Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
Scene 3

Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.

21 lines
joey
Joey
Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
chandler
Chandler
Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
[door buzzer goes off]
chandler
Chandler
Hello.
Erica
It's Erica.
joey
Joey
Ah, the stalker.
Erica
Never mind, it's open.
chandler
Chandler
[Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
joey
Joey
Let's get out of here.
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
chandler
Chandler
The one time they're not home.
joey
Joey
OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
chandler
Chandler
That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
joey
Joey
She's comin'.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
Erica
It's me.
joey
Joey
Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
chandler
Chandler
Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
Erica
Hi.
joey
Joey
Erica.
Scene 4

San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.

11 lines
Lipson
Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
ross
Ross
Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
Lipson
Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
ross
Ross
Oh my God, what happened?
Lipson
Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
ross
Ross
I can't believe this.
Lipson
I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
ross
Ross
Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
Lipson
I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
ross
Ross
Zoo dollars?
Lipson
Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
Scene 5

Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.

27 lines
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
Kids
Ooohhh.
phoebe
Phoebe
I know.
monica
Monica
I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
chandler
Chandler
Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
monica
Monica
Yeah.
chandler
Chandler
Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
rachel
Rachel
And she's not crazy?
chandler
Chandler
Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
rachel
Rachel
Oh my God.
monica
Monica
Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
chandler
Chandler
Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
Rob
You OK?
phoebe
Phoebe
No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
Rob
That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
phoebe
Phoebe
I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
ross
Ross
I was thinkin' about it.
phoebe
Phoebe
OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
Everyone
Hi Phoebe.
phoebe
Phoebe
OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
Scene 6

A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.

13 lines
Erica
Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
joey
Joey
Yeah it is. . . what?
Erica
Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
joey
Joey
Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
Erica
Who's they?
joey
Joey
No one.
Erica
Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
joey
Joey
Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
Erica
No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
joey
Joey
Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
Waiter
Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
Erica
Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
Scene 7

San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.

3 lines
Janitor
Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
ross
Ross
Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
Janitor
It's about your monkey. It's alive.
Scene 8

Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.

8 lines
Erica
I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
joey
Joey
Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
Erica
No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
joey
Joey
But that's what...
Erica
I should just be happy to be near you.
joey
Joey
Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]
Erica
Hey what?
joey
Joey
That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
Scene 9

Library. Phoebe is singing.

22 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
[singing] There'll be times when you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
monica
Monica
Excellent!
chandler
Chandler
Very informative!
rachel
Rachel
Not at all inappropriate!
phoebe
Phoebe
Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
Rob
That was great, the kids loved you.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yay, I rock.
Rob
And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
phoebe
Phoebe
But.
Rob
How did you know there was a but?
phoebe
Phoebe
I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
Rob
The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
phoebe
Phoebe
I can do that.
Rob
Really?
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah.
Rob
Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
phoebe
Phoebe
Thinkin' about it.
Scene 10

San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.

20 lines
Janitor
Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
ross
Ross
Buddy, my monkey?
Janitor
Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
ross
Ross
Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
Janitor
The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
ross
Ross
That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
Janitor
Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
ross
Ross
That guy Lipson?
Janitor
Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
ross
Ross
No, I, I only know Lipson.
Janitor
Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
ross
Ross
Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
Janitor
Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
ross
Ross
Of course.
Janitor
Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
ross
Ross
This is unbelievable.
Janitor
So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
ross
Ross
Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Janitor
Maybe.
ross
Ross
But you already told me everything.
Scene 11

Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.

12 lines
ross
Ross
Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
rachel
Rachel
Well, so what're you gonna do?
ross
Ross
Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
chandler
Chandler
That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
phoebe
Phoebe
OK, hi again.
Everyone
Hi Phoebe.
phoebe
Phoebe
Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!
Scene 12

Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.

38 lines
Tv Doctor
You're the only one who can save her Drake.
Joey On Tv
Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
ross
Ross
Well, there goes my whole belief system.
[knock at the door]
Erica
It's Erica.
joey
Joey
Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
rachel
Rachel
No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
joey
Joey
Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
rachel
Rachel
Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
monica
Monica
Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
joey
Joey
Hey Erica, c'mon in.
Erica
How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
joey
Joey
Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
Erica
Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
joey
Joey
Who?
Erica
Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
joey
Joey
It's not what you think, that was...
Erica
You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
joey
Joey
Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
Erica
Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
joey
Joey
Somebody wanna help me out here?
rachel
Rachel
Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
Erica
How, how can you be here and there.
joey
Joey
'Cause it's a television show.
Erica
Drake, what're you getting at?
joey
Joey
I'm not Drake.
ross
Ross
That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erica
Is this true?
rachel
Rachel
Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
monica
Monica
And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
chandler
Chandler
And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
Erica
Is all this true?
joey
Joey
Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
Erica
Oh Hans. [They kiss]
ross
Ross
Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
joey
Joey
Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
Erica
I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
joey
Joey
OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
Scene 13

Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.

9 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
Fired! Why?
Rob
The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
phoebe
Phoebe
I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
Rob
No.
phoebe
Phoebe
I see.
Rob
Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
phoebe
Phoebe
No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob
I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
phoebe
Phoebe
Who's Barney.
Scene 14

Central Perk. The whole gang is there.

17 lines
ross
Ross
Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
rachel
Rachel
You're kidding.
joey
Joey
This is amazing.
ross
Ross
I know.
joey
Joey
I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
phoebe
Phoebe
OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
rachel
Rachel
OK.
[little kid enters]
Kid
Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
phoebe
Phoebe
Um, yeah I guess that's me.
Kid
[shouting out the door] She's here.
[a rush of kids enter]
phoebe
Phoebe
[singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
Scene 15

City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.

9 lines
ross
Ross
This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
chandler
Chandler
What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Security Guard
C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
ross
Ross
Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
Security Guard
I'm sorry guys, closed set.
ross
Ross
Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
Security Guard
Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
monica
Monica
Ross, there he is.
ross
Ross
Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
Scene 16

The next time at the movie set.

74 lines
Security Guard
Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
joey
Joey
Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
ross
Ross
Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
joey
Joey
Woah, dude, burn.
ross
Ross
I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Trainer
Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
rachel
Rachel
Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
Trainer
In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
Everyone
Woah.
chandler
Chandler
[to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Director's Assistant
Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
joey
Joey
Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Director's Assistant
The one in the director's chair.
joey
Joey
Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
phoebe
Phoebe
OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
joey
Joey
Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
Susie
We've got a problem.
Director's Assistant
Tell me.
Susie
I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
Director's Assistant
Is it bad?
Susie
It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
Director's Assistant
I'll talk to her.
Susie
I hate actors.
chandler
Chandler
[to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
Susie
Excuse me.
chandler
Chandler
Ahhhh.
Susie
Uh, is your name Chandler?
chandler
Chandler
Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie
Chandler Bing?
chandler
Chandler
Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Susie
I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
chandler
Chandler
Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
Susie
It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
chandler
Chandler
Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Susie
Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
chandler
Chandler
Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
monica
Monica
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
rachel
Rachel
What what what what?
monica
Monica
Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
rachel
Rachel
Ya think?
monica
Monica
The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
rachel
Rachel
No, was he any good in it?
monica
Monica
Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
rachel
Rachel
Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
monica
Monica
Oh, yeah.
rachel
Rachel
What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
monica
Monica
He could hear me.
rachel
Rachel
OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
monica
Monica
Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
rachel
Rachel
Excuse me. Hi.
Van Damme
Hi.
rachel
Rachel
Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
Van Damme
You don't think I'm cute?
rachel
Rachel
I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
Van Damme
You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
[back to Chandler and Susie]
chandler
Chandler
No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
Susie
OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
chandler
Chandler
OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
Susie
Oh that's me, I gotta go.
chandler
Chandler
Oh uh, o, OK.
Susie
Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
chandler
Chandler
Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
Susie
I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
chandler
Chandler
No one was around to hear that?
[back to Rachel and Monica]
monica
Monica
So what'd he say?
rachel
Rachel
Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
monica
Monica
Well, thanks anyway.
rachel
Rachel
He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
monica
Monica
Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
rachel
Rachel
Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
Scene 17

Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.

23 lines
rachel
Rachel
And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
joey
Joey
Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
rachel
Rachel
Does anybody need anything?
monica
Monica
Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
rachel
Rachel
That is so unfair.
phoebe
Phoebe
I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
[Ross enters]
ross
Ross
Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
joey
Joey
You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
ross
Ross
Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
joey
Joey
Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
[Chandler enters]
chandler
Chandler
Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
phoebe
Phoebe
Stick a fork what?
chandler
Chandler
Like, when you're cooking a steak.
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
chandler
Chandler
Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
phoebe
Phoebe
Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
chandler
Chandler
OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
chandler
Chandler
I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
monica
Monica
What did you say?
chandler
Chandler
Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, you just know.
Scene 18

Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.

9 lines
Susie
Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
chandler
Chandler
Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
Susie
Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
Susie
But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
chandler
Chandler
Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
Susie
Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
chandler
Chandler
You want me to wear your panties?
Susie
Could ya?
chandler
Chandler
Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
Scene 19

Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.

6 lines
ross
Ross
OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
joey
Joey
Oooh.
ross
Ross
With mealworms.
joey
Joey
Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
[phone rings]
ross
Ross
Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
Scene 20

Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.

28 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
rachel
Rachel
Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
phoebe
Phoebe
Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
monica
Monica
Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
rachel
Rachel
That is the most ridiculous.
monica
Monica
You sold me out.
rachel
Rachel
I did not sell you out.
monica
Monica
Yes you did. Absolutely.
rachel
Rachel
Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
monica
Monica
Did you just flick me?
rachel
Rachel
OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
monica
Monica
Quit flicking [flicks]
rachel
Rachel
Ow, you stop flicking.
monica
Monica
You flicked me first.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
phoebe
Phoebe
OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]
rachel
Rachel
Ow. Ow. Ow.
phoebe
Phoebe
Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
rachel
Rachel
Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
monica
Monica
Uh-huh.
rachel
Rachel
You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
monica
Monica
OK.
rachel
Rachel
Oh that's what you want.
monica
Monica
Yes.
rachel
Rachel
Fine.
monica
Monica
Fine,
phoebe
Phoebe
There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Scene 21

A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.

39 lines
ross
Ross
Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
joey
Joey
Forget about it.
Susie
How you doin there squirmy?
chandler
Chandler
I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
joey
Joey
So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
Director's Assistant
I have nothing to do with casting.
joey
Joey
So what're you guys gonna eat?
Susie
How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
chandler
Chandler
Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
Susie
I want you right here, right now.
chandler
Chandler
Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
Susie
Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
chandler
Chandler
I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
Susie
C'mon.
chandler
Chandler
I can't believe we're doing this.
Susie
Alright mister, let's see those panties.
chandler
Chandler
Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
Susie
Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
chandler
Chandler
What?
Susie
If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
chandler
Chandler
Oh.
Susie
Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
chandler
Chandler
OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
Susie
C'mon hurry, hurry.
chandler
Chandler
Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
Susie
Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
chandler
Chandler
OK.
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
Susie
Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
chandler
Chandler
Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
Susie
This is for the fourth grade.
chandler
Chandler
Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
Susie
Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
chandler
Chandler
What, what's what you mean?
Susie
My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
chandler
Chandler
That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
Susie
Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
chandler
Chandler
Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.
Scene 22

Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.

6 lines
monica
Monica
I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?
Van Damme
Sure.
monica
Monica
This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Van Damme
Normally, I would not do it.
monica
Monica
Well, what made you make the exception for me?
Van Damme
'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
Scene 23

Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.

22 lines
monica
Monica
Say you're sorry.
rachel
Rachel
No. [hitting each other]
monica
Monica
Say it.
rachel
Rachel
No. [hitting again]
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
monica
Monica
Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
rachel
Rachel
OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
monica
Monica
Say you're sorry.
rachel
Rachel
OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
monica
Monica
What're you gonna do?
rachel
Rachel
You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
monica
Monica
You don't have the guts.
rachel
Rachel
Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
phoebe
Phoebe
Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
monica
Monica
I'll help you fix your sweater.
rachel
Rachel
I'll help you throw out your purse.
monica
Monica
I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
rachel
Rachel
Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
monica
Monica
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
Scene 24

Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.

29 lines
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
chandler
Chandler
Joey?
joey
Joey
Ma?
chandler
Chandler
Joey!
joey
Joey
Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
chandler
Chandler
Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
joey
Joey
Are you naked in there?
chandler
Chandler
Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
joey
Joey
Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
chandler
Chandler
No, no, this is the first time.
joey
Joey
Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
chandler
Chandler
I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
joey
Joey
Well, let me see.
chandler
Chandler
No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
joey
Joey
Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ross
Ross
[to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
joey
Joey
Chandler's wearing panties.
ross
Ross
What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
chandler
Chandler
No, no, you don't have to see.
ross
Ross
Hi Tushie.
chandler
Chandler
Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
joey
Joey
Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
chandler
Chandler
How can you not be wearing any underwear?
joey
Joey
Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
chandler
Chandler
Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
Everyone
Hi.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
Scene 25

Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.

10 lines
chandler
Chandler
Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
phoebe
Phoebe
I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
[Joey enters]
joey
Joey
Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
ross
Ross
What happened?
joey
Joey
One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
ross
Ross
Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
phoebe
Phoebe
[sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.
ross
Ross
What?
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
Scene 26

The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude

13 lines
Van Damme
[to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
rachel
Rachel
OK, well, bye. [kisses him]
Van Damme
Goodbye.
monica
Monica
Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]
rachel
Rachel
OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]
monica
Monica
OK.
Van Damme
Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
rachel
Rachel
Oh, no no no no no.
Van Damme
Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
rachel
Rachel
No no no no.
rachel
Rachel
Impressive.
monica
Monica
But no. Maybe if I were baking.
rachel
Rachel
Bye-bye.
Scene 27

City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.

7 lines
ross
Ross
Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
phoebe
Phoebe
You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
rachel
Rachel
Oh yeah.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
chandler
Chandler
How long you been waitin' to say that?
phoebe
Phoebe
About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 28

Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.

11 lines
Van Damme
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
joey
Joey
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director
Cut.
Van Damme
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
joey
Joey
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director
Cut.
Van Damme
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
joey
Joey
Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
Director
Cut.
Van Damme
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
END